Where the dark things are

We all have a secret and shut off place within us. A place where we stuff every memory and experience we don’t wish to remember or revisit, a place where painful and uncomfortable feelings get shoved back down as quickly as they resurface, a no-womans land for anything that should dare to even remotely make us feel anything other than good: a desolate wasteland. I call it the place where the Dark Things are.

I spent a long time running from this place. I hid in the biscuit tin. I hid in writing songs. I hid in reading books. I hid in studying, one course after the other. I hid in perfectionism. I hid in consumerism. I hid in my running shoes. I hid on the yoga mat. I hid in other people. I hid in teaching other people. I hid in every and any place I could think of. Any place where the sunlight couldn’t reach the dark and dusty cavern within me, because to cast light on it would mean it would exist. And it didn’t exist. None of it did in there.

Learning to sit with the scary and sticky stuff is a challenge, I know. But it’s a path that will mend every piece of our scattered being. Not broken, because I don’t believe that something as infused with the divine and therefore intrinsically wonderful as we are could ever be broken. Just scattered and, perhaps, a little fragmented at times.

I’m now six months into a 2 year advanced diploma course in counselling and to say that I have been cracked open would be an understatement. I recently hit a crisis point in my course where all the self-reflection and constant processing of the stuff I had hidden away tipped me into overwhelm. Everywhere I look I see my own transferences onto those I love, I recoil from seeing the not-so-nice aspects of my personality mirrored back at me by those who very effectively push my buttons, and I’m in a perpetual state of ricocheting from the triggers that are bouncing off my psyche left, right, and centre. At times I feel as though I’ve been scrubbed on the inside with a Brillo pad. It’s raw, and very sore. There is a huge emphasis on our own personal healing and development on this course because without being able to recognise my own stuff, I won’t be able to sit with you and hold yours. And there is so much beauty to be found in that process.

David Richo said that “Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful parts of us.” These are the parts that make us human. They remind us that we’re actually more alike one another than we think, even though we feel that no one else could possibly carry the same darkness. They remind us that we’re not travelling alone. Our wounds enable us to experience the whole spectrum of human emotion and ultimately, lend meaning to our human existence. For if we cannot feel, do we even exist?

Here are my tried and tested methods for supporting yourself when you find yourself in the space where the Dark Things are:

• Above all else, remain curious. Our emotional responses, especially the more powerful ones, are indications that there is something that needs our attention.

• Spend some time reflecting or explore it in the form of journalling. You don’t need to write long sentences: you can create spider diagrams or draw illustrations. Some useful questions to ask are:

  - What are you experiencing in that moment?

  - What are the visceral sensations, the emotional response?

  - Why is it happening?

  - What happens just before, or after it?

  - Where have you experienced the same emotional response before?

  - Who or what does it remind you of?

• Practice self kindness and self compassion. Remind yourself that it is OK to feel and that the feelings will eventually shift, lessen their intensity, or cease altogether. The more you are willing to stay with what is, the easier the process becomes. N.B. This could become overwhelming when dealing with complex trauma in which case you will need the support of a qualified practitioner.

• Have a list of self soothing activities that will help to re-balance your nervous system: practicing gentle yoga, meditation, walking in nature, talking things over with a good friend, curling up on the sofa with a hot water bottle, or taking a long soak in a candle lit bath.

Always remember, you are never walking the path alone.