Self-love done a little differently
One of the key elements of regulating our nervous system is in finding safety through connection. Connection to nature and others are really important when learning how to give our social engagement system real staying power, but the connection to Self is the ultimate anchor. Just how exactly can we do this?
You know how in the first stages of dating and getting to know someone you spend a lot of time with them talking to and listening to them in order to find out everything you can about them? Well, this is exactly what we must do with ourselves, too. Neuroscience calls this process of deep listening to the soma (body) interoception, whilst practitioners of Tantra have been doing the exact same thing for donkeys years under the banner of "awareness cultivation." What both science and philosophy agree on here (for once!) is that the ultimate source of all of our healing and self-understanding can be found in one place only: the body/mind.
Let's back track a sec. The body/mind is a real thing. There is no separation between the two (something else that neuroscience and Tantra agree on!). If we look at it from a physiological perspective, 80% of information sharing is taking place from the autonomic nervous system to the brain where it is then cognitively processed. Our thoughts also influence the body through releasing feel good chemicals such as serotonin and dopamine. There is a constant feedback loop taking place between the two which is why if we really want to learn how to find a deeper sense of love and connection to ourselves, we must work with both.
Here are my top 3 tips for doing this:
Get real curious about yourself just as you would if you were dating someone for the first time. Start to pay attention to all the ways in which your body/mind communicates with you, especially noting the correlations between the quality of your thoughts and the sensations you experience in the body (I'll bet anything they match!) Notice how your body responds to what you watch on TV, what someone says to you, what you read, what you eat etc. Get real familiar with your moods, your energy levels, your body temperature, how your body responds to movement, how your body feels when you don't move. Pay attention to when you feel hungry, need to pee, pass wind, or burp. Every moment of every day is an opportunity for you to hone your interoceptive skills and become an expert in the most influential person in your world: you.
Notice the moments that bring you a sense of joy and connection. Whilst teaching yoga I usually offer up an invitation for you to take a sensory/mental snapshot so that you can recall how it felt to be you in that moment. Can you do the same the next time something lights you up on the inside? Notice how your body responds: is there a softening, a sense of warmth? Where do you feel the sensations? What happens to your gaze? What is the quality of your breath? How do your thoughts correspond with the body? Can you note down colour, smell, texture, an archetype - anything to help you creatively process the moment? Create a list of positive affirmations that can help you embed the experience a little deeper into the body/mind so that when you recall them in future, your body remembers how they feel. Learning how to become aware of how our experiences feel in the body helps us to anchor them in and gradually builds not only our window of tolerance (the state in which we can function and thrive) but also increases our ability to move back into the ventral vagal state of regulation after we've experienced dysregulation. The more we work on building our interoceptive curiosity in step one, the easier scouting out moments of connection becomes.
Start to build a resource list of tried and tested things that help you find a sense of connection and self-love that you can come back to and utilise when you find yourself veering off into a survival state (fight/flight/freeze). This could be giving yourself a hug, placing your hands over your heart and feeling the warmth from your hands, self-massage, a movement practice, listening to the sounds of nature, going for a walk in nature, watching the sunset or sunrise, hugging your pet, referring to the list of affirmations you created whilst rooted in a place of safety and connection, soaking in a warm bath, making yourself a mug of your favourite warm drink and absorbing the smell and the warmth, cooking yourself your favourite comfort meal, reading a book, meditating, daydreaming, writing in your journal or creating a piece of art. There is no wrong way to do this, only the way that makes you feel good and helps create a shift in your state. The one thing I would add is that these practices are all about you so don't rely on other people here. This is about building safety in your own system and deepening the relationship with yourself.